1 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:30,220 Hello, and it's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:30,220 --> 00:00:33,800 a packed programme tonight, we ask the burning question about pilfering coal 3 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,000 miners. Do they have lots of slack in their trousers? 4 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:43,000 And we'll have a feature on weenie boppers and how you shouldn't make fun 5 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,000 people who've got them. 6 00:00:47,530 --> 00:00:51,070 First, here is the news. There was an embarrassing incident at Madame Tussauds 7 00:00:51,070 --> 00:00:55,130 last week when Mr Callaghan unveiled a wax model of himself and his chauffeur 8 00:00:55,130 --> 00:00:56,510 drove it back to Downing Street by mistake. 9 00:00:59,870 --> 00:01:03,230 But luckily it had only held three cabinet meetings before it was 10 00:01:06,050 --> 00:01:11,030 And we've just heard that at a Golders Green maternity hospital today, the wife 11 00:01:11,030 --> 00:01:15,710 of a well -known ventriloquist gave birth to a nine -pound, gouncing, gaggy 12 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,820 A new dance is sweeping the country. It's called the pony trot. 13 00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:23,980 Once round the floor, then outside for your oats. 14 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:29,480 Sport. 15 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:30,720 Sorry, sport. 16 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:36,000 Reports that athletes indulge in too much sex before meetings were hotly 17 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,260 today by sprinter Wellesley Blunt. 18 00:01:38,660 --> 00:01:42,580 He went on to win the 100 metres in a time of two hours, 37 minutes. 19 00:01:45,860 --> 00:01:46,860 Now for the notices. 20 00:01:47,530 --> 00:01:51,070 There'll be a conference and sermon in the Free Church Hall tomorrow for those 21 00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:52,270 who thirst after righteousness. 22 00:01:52,910 --> 00:01:55,970 And for those who thirst before righteousness, the cat and fiddle opens 23 00:01:57,270 --> 00:02:02,130 In a sketch that follows about teddy boys and topless girls at a dance, I 24 00:02:02,130 --> 00:02:03,510 around with a pair of rockers. 25 00:02:07,850 --> 00:02:10,729 And I rock around with a pair of Notts County footballers. 26 00:02:30,839 --> 00:02:31,839 Morning. Morning. 27 00:02:32,380 --> 00:02:33,380 Morning. 28 00:02:38,220 --> 00:02:39,480 Lovely day, isn't it? 29 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:41,200 Beautiful day. 30 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,360 Beautiful day. 31 00:02:42,420 --> 00:02:43,420 Beautiful day. 32 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,120 Chilly but crisp. 33 00:02:45,340 --> 00:02:46,340 Frosty but nice. 34 00:02:46,420 --> 00:02:47,420 Racing and bright. 35 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,160 Live in the air. Good for the blood. 36 00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:50,299 Gives you a glow. 37 00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:51,300 Spring in your step. 38 00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:52,340 Makes you feel good. 39 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,140 Talk of the world. Walking on air. 40 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:55,439 So full of beans. 41 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:56,440 I quite agree. 42 00:03:01,110 --> 00:03:02,990 Been to your halls at the weekend. 43 00:03:03,410 --> 00:03:04,409 Anywhere nice? 44 00:03:04,410 --> 00:03:08,610 Cornwall for us. Same every year. Booked it all up. Bought two to Lou. Bought 45 00:03:08,610 --> 00:03:09,610 two to Lou. 46 00:03:11,250 --> 00:03:12,250 Monty for me. 47 00:03:12,290 --> 00:03:13,290 Going abroad. 48 00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:16,050 Fiddle -dee -dee. Fiddle -dee -dee. Fiddle -dee -dee. 49 00:03:20,170 --> 00:03:21,170 Seen this bit here? 50 00:03:21,430 --> 00:03:22,429 What does it say? 51 00:03:22,430 --> 00:03:26,950 Says that a man, age 42, took a young girl back to his flat, gave her some 52 00:03:26,950 --> 00:03:30,870 drinks, then she passed out. When she woke up... She was in bed, in the Near 53 00:03:30,870 --> 00:03:35,110 East, and nothing else. Know what I mean? Man of the world. Need I say more? 54 00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:36,350 Words of the wise. 55 00:03:38,470 --> 00:03:39,469 You're a one. 56 00:03:39,470 --> 00:03:43,170 Rubbish like that makes me feel sick. Who wants to read that sort of filth? 57 00:03:43,230 --> 00:03:47,150 Vickers and scouts, orgies and drugs, bosoms and boots, brazen young bits, 58 00:03:47,290 --> 00:03:50,930 fronting their flesh, showing their thighs, all that they've got. World's in 59 00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:55,170 mess. Going to pot. Sign of the times. Gotta feel hot. Think I'll trip off. 60 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:00,339 on the twist. 61 00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:01,980 Give us a kiss. Get back, you fool. 62 00:04:31,570 --> 00:04:32,950 I'm most awfully sorry. 63 00:04:33,390 --> 00:04:35,610 I don't know what came over me. 64 00:04:35,930 --> 00:04:37,970 It's quite all right. Say no more to my feet. 65 00:04:38,250 --> 00:04:39,310 Just one of those things. 66 00:04:40,090 --> 00:04:41,090 George. 67 00:04:42,290 --> 00:04:43,290 Thank you so much. 68 00:04:48,130 --> 00:04:50,070 Wouldn't mind if it's the same thing every day. 69 00:04:56,750 --> 00:05:00,240 One thing about these white people, they've got a... The bridge sends a 70 00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:05,700 Good 71 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:19,600 evening. 72 00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:22,020 What would you like? 73 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,600 Well, to start with, I'll have a large gin and tonic. Very large. 74 00:05:25,930 --> 00:05:26,889 White and lemon, sir? 75 00:05:26,890 --> 00:05:28,090 If there's room in the glass, yes. 76 00:05:29,950 --> 00:05:30,970 And what else, sir? 77 00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:35,310 Well, as a matter of fact, I've just met these people. I don't know them at all. 78 00:05:35,430 --> 00:05:36,770 They're all friends of my wife. 79 00:05:37,090 --> 00:05:41,230 Let's see. The lady in the sack dress wants an enormous brandy. 80 00:05:41,630 --> 00:05:44,290 The young man with the flat head wants a rum and coke. 81 00:05:45,030 --> 00:05:48,850 Andy, he's the tall chap. He's Scottish. He wants a pink gin with lemon. 82 00:05:49,490 --> 00:05:51,910 The girl with the boobs wants a white lady. 83 00:05:53,150 --> 00:05:57,010 My wife will have a scotch of the rocks. The woman with the bare arms behind 84 00:05:57,010 --> 00:06:00,470 her, she will have half a bottle of the house wine. And the old man with the 85 00:06:00,470 --> 00:06:01,950 rather shifty eyes, he'll have a rough cider. 86 00:06:02,590 --> 00:06:05,450 But before that, I'll have another gin and tonic. Yes, sir. 87 00:06:09,610 --> 00:06:10,610 Oh. 88 00:06:11,690 --> 00:06:12,690 Beautiful. So, right. 89 00:06:12,910 --> 00:06:16,770 So that's an enormous brandy, a rum and coke, a pink gin, a white scotch, a 90 00:06:16,770 --> 00:06:18,430 wine, a cider and a lemon on the rocks. 91 00:06:19,010 --> 00:06:20,010 Pardon, sir? 92 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:23,500 The lady in the sack dress at Bradley. 93 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:27,620 The flathead at Rum and Coke. The Scotsman behind a white gin. 94 00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:30,220 The lady with the pink boobs at Cider. 95 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:35,320 And the... Just a minute, just a minute. 96 00:06:39,180 --> 00:06:45,080 Thank you, that's it. Is 97 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,540 that mine? 98 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:47,780 Yes, sir. Thank you very much. 99 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:51,580 Say it again, please. Sir. 100 00:06:52,270 --> 00:06:57,450 Now, I've got it this time. It's one brandy, one rum and lemon, a pink thing, 101 00:06:57,450 --> 00:07:04,410 white lady with double boobs, rough rocks, wine on the house, 102 00:07:04,430 --> 00:07:05,430 and a big bottle. 103 00:07:06,230 --> 00:07:07,230 Pardon, sir? 104 00:07:07,550 --> 00:07:10,410 Don't worry, it's all under control. Look, the lady in the sack wants a tall 105 00:07:10,410 --> 00:07:11,410 scotch. 106 00:07:11,590 --> 00:07:13,830 The bare lady with the behind wants a rum and coke. 107 00:07:15,290 --> 00:07:17,910 My wife will have an old man on the rocks. 108 00:07:19,850 --> 00:07:23,170 girl with the shifty boobs wants a big bottle of brandy on the house. The young 109 00:07:23,170 --> 00:07:27,730 man with the flat wife wants an enormous wine. The white lady with the pink... 110 00:07:27,730 --> 00:07:28,730 Just a minute. 111 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:33,890 Now, wait a minute. You've got... Yes, 112 00:07:37,270 --> 00:07:39,070 I thought that was it. Yes. Is that mine? 113 00:07:39,350 --> 00:07:40,390 Yes, sir. Oh, thank you. 114 00:07:41,350 --> 00:07:42,350 Now, 115 00:07:43,790 --> 00:07:44,830 are you listening? It's simple. 116 00:07:45,650 --> 00:07:46,650 Simple. 117 00:07:47,410 --> 00:07:48,470 I'll have a gin and tonic. 118 00:07:48,750 --> 00:07:50,170 I've got one ready for you. Oh, thank you. 119 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:53,690 Either one of these, is it? Yes, sir. Oh, thank you. 120 00:07:56,890 --> 00:07:58,670 Why don't you have a beer? 121 00:07:58,910 --> 00:08:03,130 No, thank you, sir. Right. Now, I do exactly what I'm doing. All right? Here 122 00:08:03,130 --> 00:08:04,130 goes. 123 00:08:04,190 --> 00:08:07,050 The randy girl with the big bottle wants a rough Scotsman. 124 00:08:07,850 --> 00:08:11,790 Rough Scotsman? The tall lemon wants a double shifty on the rocks. 125 00:08:12,470 --> 00:08:17,770 The bear woman with the boobs like the side of a house wants a pink old man. 126 00:08:19,170 --> 00:08:22,690 The normal chap with the flat gin wants my wife with the beer behind. 127 00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:27,310 And the white lady wants a sack of Coke. It's simple enough. What are you 128 00:08:27,310 --> 00:08:30,350 having? Oh, look, sir, I'm... No, no, ready? Now, wait a minute. No, look, 129 00:08:30,350 --> 00:08:33,950 is it, right? Ready? Forget all previous orders. Just give me a sack of Coke, 130 00:08:34,090 --> 00:08:38,570 two large rocks, two pink boobs, an enormous lemon and a large bear lady of 131 00:08:38,570 --> 00:08:39,570 house. 132 00:08:39,990 --> 00:08:43,789 That's all. I'm glad we finally got that sorted out. Yes, so have I, yes. One 133 00:08:43,789 --> 00:08:45,190 sack of Coke. One sack of Coke. 134 00:08:45,710 --> 00:08:47,470 Two large rocks. Two large rocks. 135 00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:48,980 One pair of pink boots. 136 00:08:50,620 --> 00:08:52,420 And a large pair of ladders. 137 00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:54,620 And a large pair of ladders. 138 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,660 I'll take the lemon, you take the rock. 139 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:00,980 Come on, who ordered the pink boot? 140 00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:29,720 Victorian London was now in a state of terror. The series of outrageous and 141 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,200 sudden attacks by the phantom raspberry blower continued. 142 00:09:32,540 --> 00:09:36,960 No one was safe alone at night. Even married couples had taken to going 143 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:37,960 in pairs. 144 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:42,140 These victims being members of the aristocracy and their staff. 145 00:09:50,670 --> 00:09:54,710 Did you see the man? Inspector Corner of the Yard, however, at last had a lead. 146 00:09:55,130 --> 00:09:58,830 He now knows that the Phantom would only be satisfied when he had attacked the 147 00:09:58,830 --> 00:09:59,729 Queen herself. 148 00:09:59,730 --> 00:10:01,690 And so was born his master plan. 149 00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:07,430 The Home Secretary, Sir Doddington Diddle, outlines his scheme to a group 150 00:10:07,430 --> 00:10:09,070 special constables at Hendon. 151 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:13,600 on Her Majesty's passing by the phantom raspberry blower of old London, etc. 152 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:20,580 Therefore, we have found it necessary to take certain steps to repeat his 153 00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:21,580 purposes. 154 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,460 Now your duty is clear. 155 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:31,120 You have all been chosen, Ozen, for your general facial resemblance to Her 156 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:32,120 Majesty. 157 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:40,960 specific duties to perform. 158 00:11:42,020 --> 00:11:45,200 One of you will take up residence in Buckingham, Pallyoff. 159 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:49,680 Another will drive in an open Landau through Hyde Park. 160 00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:57,000 The third will give a soiree at St. James' Pallyoff. So, in this way, we 161 00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,540 hope to decoy the miscreant into being overconfident. 162 00:12:03,060 --> 00:12:05,260 Where will Her Majesty really be, sir? 163 00:12:05,460 --> 00:12:08,240 She will be playing the lead in Charlie's Aunt at the Hippodrome. 164 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:22,360 Ravishing, ravishing. 165 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:29,080 The 166 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:40,860 platoon 167 00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:45,420 of six Queen Victoria's First Class set about their vital task of decoying the 168 00:12:45,420 --> 00:12:47,240 raspberry blower into a lethal trap. 169 00:12:47,540 --> 00:12:49,860 But each of the six suffered a different fate. 170 00:12:53,610 --> 00:12:58,270 custard was posted to Windsor. He disappeared after being at the receiving 171 00:12:58,270 --> 00:13:00,030 of a nasty one from under the table. 172 00:13:02,570 --> 00:13:06,870 The second one was receiving debutants at Buckingham Palace, but the phantom 173 00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:10,790 disguised himself as a Deb and struck again, and the poor constable was 174 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,550 discovered when his skirt was blown off by the force of the blast. 175 00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:21,430 A third attack poisoned the coffee on the royal train, and the policeman never 176 00:13:21,430 --> 00:13:22,430 recovered. 177 00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:28,600 North Queen Victoria got stuck in a traffic jam at Luggett Circus and was 178 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:29,600 seen again. 179 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:33,980 And the fifth and sixth ones fell in love and lived happily ever after. 180 00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:46,040 But worse was to come. On the night of 181 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:50,800 February the 3rd, 1899, the phantom's card was found underneath the Queen's 182 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,200 by her faithful retainer, John Brown. 183 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:57,500 Oh, my goodness, me! 184 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:05,040 The nation was shocked. 185 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:12,200 An emergency meeting was called at No. 10 Downing Street. All the heads of the 186 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,120 Commonwealth were present. The Prime Minister addressed them. 187 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:21,140 My Lords, Prime Ministers, Sultans, Potentates, Sheiks, Maharajas, and Miss 188 00:14:21,140 --> 00:14:22,960 Maureen, my dear gentlemen. 189 00:14:27,530 --> 00:14:31,470 We must take steps to isolate this threat to our dear Queen. Everything 190 00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:32,470 takes second place. 191 00:14:32,910 --> 00:14:34,170 Here, here. Here, here. 192 00:14:34,510 --> 00:14:35,510 Here, here. 193 00:14:36,570 --> 00:14:37,570 Here, here. 194 00:14:38,950 --> 00:14:45,870 Now, here is my master plan to 195 00:14:45,870 --> 00:14:49,530 get paid for the Bloomsbury Phantom Rasser of old. 196 00:15:37,430 --> 00:15:38,430 Here, 197 00:15:39,130 --> 00:15:40,250 I want a word with you. 198 00:15:43,730 --> 00:15:46,850 Is nothing sacred? Can nothing be done? 199 00:15:47,430 --> 00:15:52,950 Authority is once again powerless to stop him. Who is there who will now dare 200 00:15:52,950 --> 00:15:57,150 pit his wits against the phantom raspberry blower of all time? 201 00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:16,020 Here is the late news. A man who broke into the royal palace at Monaco and 202 00:16:16,020 --> 00:16:20,480 to escape wearing shoes belonging to Prince Rainier's son and a dress 203 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,840 to his wife has been charged with putting on airs and graces. 204 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:32,620 The news from the courts, 30 drunken trippers who nipped off their coach for 205 00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:35,960 certain reason on Hammersmith Bridge just as the Cambridge crew were passing 206 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:36,960 underneath. 207 00:16:37,610 --> 00:16:40,170 have been each fined £10 for having one over the aches. 208 00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:45,590 And the young woman from Wealdstone made an extremely serious complaint against 209 00:16:45,590 --> 00:16:47,170 the famous cosmetic surgeon. 210 00:16:47,470 --> 00:16:51,050 She said he gave her a perfect bust but made it far too big. 211 00:16:51,530 --> 00:16:54,630 Having weighed the evidence, the police have put it in the hands of the public 212 00:16:54,630 --> 00:16:55,630 hospital. 213 00:16:57,950 --> 00:17:02,170 And a national health patient complained today how he was rushed around the 214 00:17:02,170 --> 00:17:03,930 country for a series of emergency operations. 215 00:17:04,470 --> 00:17:06,569 He had a hand operation at Kneesden. 216 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,660 and a knee operation at Handsworth. 217 00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:12,520 Then he had a heart transplant at Liverpool, and a liver transplant at 218 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:13,520 Hartlepool. 219 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,319 Then he had a hair transplant at Littlehampton. 220 00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:22,160 And on arriving at Harefield, he fainted. 221 00:20:43,180 --> 00:20:45,200 the news for Friday, June the 4th, 2001. 222 00:20:46,740 --> 00:20:49,020 King Foot of Europe is to abdicate. 223 00:20:51,620 --> 00:20:55,140 With a name like Foot, it's hard to put on a brave face, he said. 224 00:20:55,580 --> 00:20:58,820 It's been dragged through the mud many times, especially in wet weather. 225 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:03,060 Oh, I wish to take it easy, relax, and put it up for a while. 226 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:11,980 Mrs. Elizabeth Windsor, formerly the Queen, has applied to have her Council 227 00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:12,980 redecorated. 228 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:18,480 The last time it was decorated was in 1971, when it received the OBE. 229 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,100 Asked who did the decorating, she replied, my husband and I. 230 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,000 And now, the main news story this evening. 231 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:33,920 Reports are just coming in of the discovery of a large container in a park 232 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,720 Ealing, which appears to have been dropped from an unknown aircraft. 233 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,900 It is emitting a strange, sweet -smelling gas. 234 00:21:40,430 --> 00:21:43,230 which is rapidly being dispersed over a wide area. 235 00:21:44,010 --> 00:21:45,270 Roger Kinsey reports. 236 00:21:46,750 --> 00:21:47,750 Good evening. 237 00:21:48,070 --> 00:21:51,050 I have been advised to wear this gaffer. 238 00:21:51,410 --> 00:21:57,350 Quite frankly, it seems to me to be a complete waste of time, because these 239 00:21:57,350 --> 00:22:01,030 ladies over here seem to be suffering from no ill effects whatsoever. 240 00:22:05,290 --> 00:22:10,370 A canister was discovered early this morning and is marked on the side in 241 00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:12,390 letters, Formation Gas. 242 00:22:12,710 --> 00:22:14,550 What this means, we are not sure. 243 00:22:14,770 --> 00:22:19,090 But scientists are now waiting for the appearance of a trigger device. 244 00:22:19,090 --> 00:22:23,290 that will cause this, at the moment, harmless gas to start working. 245 00:22:24,010 --> 00:22:27,550 Roger Kinsey, News at Ten, Ealing Common. 246 00:22:28,050 --> 00:22:30,570 Mrs. Bates, number 11, Knocker Street. 247 00:22:31,330 --> 00:22:34,770 And here is some film of what could be that trigger device. 248 00:22:35,290 --> 00:22:39,430 a parachute was observed floating down above Acton a few minutes ago. 249 00:22:39,790 --> 00:22:43,150 It just landed in the front garden of a house in Mulberry Crescent. 250 00:22:43,630 --> 00:22:48,170 Two eminent scientists in protective clothing are even now about to examine 251 00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:52,990 Perhaps they will be able to unravel the secret of the mysterious formation gas. 252 00:22:53,390 --> 00:22:54,670 Roger Kinsey reports. 253 00:23:10,420 --> 00:23:11,620 Approaching the moment of truth. 254 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:14,840 Everyone in the area has breathed the formation gas. 255 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:19,660 It remains to see now whether the scientists can render this trigger 256 00:23:19,660 --> 00:23:20,660 harmless. 257 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:32,120 Good heavens. It appears they have now triggered off the device. Nothing can 258 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,980 stop this gas becoming effective. 259 00:23:36,860 --> 00:23:39,420 Roger Kinsey, news at ten, on his bike. 260 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:04,320 Reports are just beginning to come in confirming that the gas is spreading. 261 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:08,140 Some commuters traveling home from work have already been affected. 262 00:24:44,910 --> 00:24:48,390 Southend, the gas accidentally woke up several council roadmenders during 263 00:24:48,390 --> 00:24:49,390 working hours. 264 00:25:05,950 --> 00:25:07,750 Here comes Roger Kinsey again. 265 00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,920 Police headquarters have recruited a special squad to deal with the 266 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:58,040 Our song was made by his mother in three evenings. It cost about seven pounds. 267 00:25:59,620 --> 00:26:03,840 The government has just issued a special communique urging people not to panic 268 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:07,720 in the present crisis, which they hope will be short -lived. Simply keep calm 269 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,900 and dance about your business in the normal way. 270 00:26:11,940 --> 00:26:14,940 Mr. Eric Morley has been made Minister of Dancing. 271 00:26:16,020 --> 00:26:19,160 We must now all look towards Mecca for a solution. 272 00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:25,540 Meanwhile, dear, dear General Dog's Body, has taken over as Supreme Allied 273 00:26:25,540 --> 00:26:28,500 Commander in charge of all military two -steps. 274 00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:34,380 However, the gas container has been loaded onto a lorry and is at this very 275 00:26:34,380 --> 00:26:38,660 moment being driven to the south coast to be dumped in the sea, while the 276 00:26:38,660 --> 00:26:42,720 trigger device is on its way north to be buried in a disused coal mine near 277 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:46,160 Middlesbrough. Let us hope that with them both travelling in opposite 278 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:49,660 directions, we are approaching the end of this bizarre affair. 279 00:27:05,610 --> 00:27:06,710 Well, it's always funny. 280 00:27:50,580 --> 00:27:51,580 Are we off, sir? 281 00:27:52,060 --> 00:27:53,400 Now, what is sir going to have? 282 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:54,940 I would like a shave, please. 283 00:27:55,140 --> 00:27:56,840 A shave. Oh, Mr. Engle's out for shaving, sir. 284 00:27:58,760 --> 00:27:59,760 Mr. Engle? 285 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:00,940 Yes, yes. Customer for you. 286 00:28:01,180 --> 00:28:02,179 All right. 287 00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:03,180 Oh, 288 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:05,220 my God. 289 00:28:11,260 --> 00:28:12,260 Morning, madam. 290 00:28:14,500 --> 00:28:15,500 Morning. 291 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:17,820 Nice morning. Yes, it's a nice morning, isn't it? 292 00:28:18,460 --> 00:28:19,640 Nice blue sky out there. 293 00:28:21,940 --> 00:28:25,400 But quiet, mind you. Who's that nosy park of people in? Clear off, clear off. 294 00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:28,520 I'd like a shave, please. 295 00:28:28,740 --> 00:28:30,360 Will you mind waiting your turn, please? I've got to go. 296 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:33,800 I warned you about that before. 297 00:28:34,460 --> 00:28:37,280 You've been in here before. I know you're a troubled man. Sorry. I'm sorry 298 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:38,279 that, lady. Sorry. 299 00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:43,060 I'm not a lady. No matter how low you sink, women and ladies are all the same 300 00:28:43,060 --> 00:28:46,300 me. Look, I haven't got much time. I haven't got much time. I haven't got 301 00:28:46,300 --> 00:28:47,039 time either. 302 00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:52,940 Now, we'll get this done in no time. I... Has the lady gone, then? 303 00:28:54,420 --> 00:28:55,319 Yes, she has. 304 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:58,000 Oh, well, you must be next, I reckon. Now, what can I do for you? I would like 305 00:28:58,000 --> 00:28:59,140 shave, please. A shave, yes. 306 00:28:59,540 --> 00:29:00,820 That's, um... Uh -huh. 307 00:29:01,100 --> 00:29:05,240 Now, are we going to leave this moustache on, do you think, or...? Yes, 308 00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:08,720 Yes, I think you can afford it with a flattish nose like you have. You can 309 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:10,760 it off like that. Yes, will you hurry up, please? Yes, I will hurry up, yes. 310 00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:14,180 That's it. Now, do you think... Oh, wait a minute. There we are. That's it. Do 311 00:29:14,180 --> 00:29:16,900 you think Middlesex are going to beat Arsenal? I think they will do if the 312 00:29:16,900 --> 00:29:17,779 going's all right. 313 00:29:17,780 --> 00:29:20,620 You can't believe all you read in the papers, can you? 314 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:26,940 I... Only useful for fish and chips. Wait a minute. My glasses are steaming 315 00:29:26,940 --> 00:29:28,680 bit. I... What? 316 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:39,740 In the summer, indoors as well. 317 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:41,760 Somebody must have left the roof off. 318 00:29:42,700 --> 00:29:46,280 You've got lather on your glasses. Pardon? Lather on your glasses. Oh, 319 00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:49,020 I'll wash it off. Oh, I've dropped them. Where are they? 320 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:50,400 Oh, there they are. 321 00:29:51,940 --> 00:29:53,420 You've smashed them now, look. 322 00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:55,840 Well, at least it stopped snowing. 323 00:29:56,740 --> 00:30:00,920 Thank you for small mercies. There we are. Now, just give this a little... 324 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,960 this a little... Make sure it's all... 325 00:30:11,820 --> 00:30:14,240 Have your beard off in no time. You won't know it's gone until you nod your 326 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:15,240 and it drops off. 327 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:19,200 I think I'll leave it. What? I've decided to grow a beard. Oh, no, most 328 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,200 unhygienic. Look, you're in no shape to shave me without your glasses. 329 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:24,500 Well, let's have a stab at it at least. 330 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,360 Goodness me, I know men's chins like the back of me own hand. 331 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:29,680 Oh, cut my hand there. 332 00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,080 Look, I don't trust you. Look, I could do this blindfold. 333 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:36,440 Would you like a blindfold? No, I'd just like to go. Wait a minute, stay where 334 00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:37,440 you are. No, no, please. 335 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:40,560 I just thought about that. Anything else you want? Any hair restorers? No. 336 00:30:41,090 --> 00:30:42,990 Any other requisites at all? No, no, no. 337 00:30:43,790 --> 00:30:45,430 Leave it on your Adam's apple. No, no. 338 00:30:46,470 --> 00:30:47,470 Leave it. 339 00:30:47,710 --> 00:30:48,710 Leave it. Oh, God. 340 00:30:50,350 --> 00:30:53,190 Oh. Come in, please. 341 00:30:53,590 --> 00:30:54,590 That's it. 342 00:30:55,170 --> 00:30:56,170 That's it. 343 00:30:57,650 --> 00:30:58,629 All right. 344 00:30:58,630 --> 00:30:59,630 There we are. 345 00:31:03,510 --> 00:31:06,390 Now, what would you like? A nice Tony Curtis? I'll sweep it back. 346 00:31:23,330 --> 00:31:24,330 You know, 347 00:31:24,770 --> 00:31:30,670 when the TV pioneer Logie Baird died, some people said he put all his money 348 00:31:30,670 --> 00:31:34,290 bricks and mortar, and others that he'd hidden his wealth in a chair. 349 00:31:35,410 --> 00:31:37,910 And I personally sometimes think they're both right. 350 00:31:38,330 --> 00:31:41,310 I think he bought bricks and mortar and stuffed this chair with it. 351 00:31:42,510 --> 00:31:43,690 Anyway, the story. 352 00:31:44,830 --> 00:31:46,330 Oh, here we are. The story. 353 00:31:46,730 --> 00:31:49,450 Imagine, if you will, the parade ring. 354 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:52,460 And the horses are being got ready. 355 00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:57,240 And Lord Roseberry is standing there sharing a joke with Her Majesty. 356 00:31:58,380 --> 00:32:02,480 Actually, he was telling the one about the old dowager who decided to streak 357 00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:04,280 through the hunt ball, you know. 358 00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:09,220 And as she was running through the ballroom with nothing on, one old 359 00:32:09,220 --> 00:32:13,480 turned to another one and said, I say, wasn't that Felicity Manoring? 360 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:17,660 The other one said, yes, he said, I think it was. Did you notice what she 361 00:32:17,660 --> 00:32:18,660 wearing? 362 00:32:18,910 --> 00:32:22,910 He said, no, not exactly, but whatever it was, it certainly needs ironing. 363 00:32:30,270 --> 00:32:35,610 When out of the corner of his eye, Lord Roseby, when out of the corner of his 364 00:32:35,610 --> 00:32:39,190 eye, he sees one of the trainers feeding something to one of the horses. 365 00:32:40,110 --> 00:32:43,630 Excuse me, he said, Your Majesty, excuse me, he said, but I think one of the 366 00:32:43,630 --> 00:32:45,750 lads here is trying to pull a bit of a flanker. 367 00:32:46,430 --> 00:32:51,500 Now, I expect at this point, A lot of you are surprised at my fluent use of 368 00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:57,360 racing expressions, you know, as parade ring, Lord Roseberry, 369 00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:59,020 horse. 370 00:33:02,020 --> 00:33:04,160 Well, I'll let you into a little secret. 371 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,520 On the side, I do breed racehorses. 372 00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:11,460 I haven't bred any yet, but I've got a damn good idea how it's done. 373 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:18,330 Actually... Owning a racehorse is something of a prestige symbol in this 374 00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:20,030 business, you know, the sort of show you've made it. 375 00:33:20,410 --> 00:33:23,390 Some people buy a racehorse, others get a divorce, you know. 376 00:33:24,190 --> 00:33:26,130 My wife actually was in favour of the divorce. 377 00:33:27,070 --> 00:33:28,730 She said it's more permanent, you know. 378 00:33:29,770 --> 00:33:34,990 Something we could both enjoy. I remember when I first mentioned that I'd 379 00:33:34,990 --> 00:33:38,570 to buy a racehorse, she didn't speak for nearly a minute. 380 00:33:40,030 --> 00:33:41,530 Which is rather exciting. 381 00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:45,940 Because another ten seconds and she'd have broken her own record. 382 00:33:47,660 --> 00:33:51,020 Whatever, she said to me, whatever do you want a racehorse for? She said, 383 00:33:51,020 --> 00:33:52,020 already got a dog. 384 00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:56,240 Well, I had to explain to her the best will in the world, you can't expect a 385 00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:57,760 -year -old poodle to win the Grand National. 386 00:33:59,540 --> 00:34:01,660 Takes him all his time to put his leg up for the oaks. 387 00:34:06,900 --> 00:34:10,940 But I digress. And I also seem to have forgotten the joke. 388 00:34:18,699 --> 00:34:20,239 one of my fan letters. 389 00:34:21,860 --> 00:34:22,860 Isn't that pathetic? 390 00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:27,480 I got one fan letter and here I am deliberately boasting about it. 391 00:34:27,780 --> 00:34:30,500 Anyway, thank you, Chunky of North Ely. 392 00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:36,560 I'm sorry you took the standing up in the hammock joke too seriously. 393 00:34:40,980 --> 00:34:42,120 Get well soon. 394 00:34:52,319 --> 00:34:55,800 One. One lousy fan letter. Sorry, Chunky. No offence. 395 00:34:56,060 --> 00:34:59,980 Well, at least... Oh, dear. Well, at least I'm honest about it. I'm honest 396 00:34:59,980 --> 00:35:01,780 it. I wonder if I'll go down there and get that, will I? 397 00:35:03,100 --> 00:35:04,900 It's a bit of a fall if I fall off here. 398 00:35:06,780 --> 00:35:07,820 I'll go down and get it. 399 00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:10,560 Oh, dear. 400 00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:13,040 That's it. I'm getting vertigo here. 401 00:35:13,780 --> 00:35:14,780 Please. 402 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,880 My wife's as bad as me. I took her the other day for a row in the surf and 403 00:35:20,940 --> 00:35:21,940 She went down with scurvy. 404 00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:27,880 At least I'm honest about it, the one fan letter. I mean, not like these 405 00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:30,860 who come on the telly and say, I just want to thank all those millions of 406 00:35:30,860 --> 00:35:34,400 viewers who wrote letters of sympathy after watching my show last week. 407 00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:36,640 Who writes all those letters? 408 00:35:36,860 --> 00:35:38,860 I mean, to me, the gas bill is fan mail. 409 00:35:40,609 --> 00:35:43,790 Honestly, I carry it around pointing at my name in the little window, you know. 410 00:35:44,670 --> 00:35:49,010 And when I pay it, I enclose an autographed photo of myself looking out 411 00:35:49,010 --> 00:35:50,010 little window. 412 00:35:52,090 --> 00:35:53,090 Back to the joke. 413 00:35:53,570 --> 00:35:58,150 Now, we had got to the point where Lord Roseberry went over to the trainer and 414 00:35:58,150 --> 00:36:01,190 he said, what have you just put in that horse's mouth? 415 00:36:01,970 --> 00:36:05,370 And the trainer said, as a matter of fact, Your Lordship, I'm giving him a 416 00:36:05,370 --> 00:36:06,370 lumps of sugar. 417 00:36:06,930 --> 00:36:09,070 Look, there's nothing wrong with it. Taste it. 418 00:36:10,109 --> 00:36:11,570 And he ate a bit himself, you see. 419 00:36:11,790 --> 00:36:13,510 And Lord Roseberry ate a lump. 420 00:36:13,990 --> 00:36:14,990 See? 421 00:36:19,630 --> 00:36:21,390 He said, I'm sorry, said Lord Roseberry. 422 00:36:21,690 --> 00:36:23,390 Having eaten the lump of sugar, he said, I'm sorry. 423 00:36:23,870 --> 00:36:28,310 And I thought, for a moment, that you might have been banging him a dose of 424 00:36:28,310 --> 00:36:29,310 old hurry -up mixture. 425 00:36:31,890 --> 00:36:34,090 He had a quaint turn of phrase, did his lordship. 426 00:36:34,570 --> 00:36:37,230 And when he'd gone, the trainer turned to the jockey and he said, 427 00:36:38,060 --> 00:36:41,020 Now, what I want you to do, he said, is to hold him in for the first four 428 00:36:41,020 --> 00:36:42,900 furlongs and then let him go. 429 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:44,580 Now, you've got nothing to worry about. 430 00:36:45,680 --> 00:36:48,380 If anything passes you, it'll be either me or Lord Roseberry. 431 00:36:58,300 --> 00:37:01,980 Ladies and gentlemen, in concert, Jehoshaphat and Joe. 432 00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:25,620 Now just listen to me, darling. 433 00:37:27,500 --> 00:37:30,020 What I say to you is for you. 434 00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:38,700 If you really want to leave me, that's entirely up to you. 435 00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:47,360 But believe me when I tell you, I'm really not to blame. 436 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,400 I still love you just the same. 437 00:37:58,260 --> 00:38:01,040 It don't mean that I don't love you. 438 00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:05,060 Just because I never speak. 439 00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:09,660 And I never give you presents. 440 00:38:11,620 --> 00:38:13,820 Take you swimming in the creek. 441 00:38:15,900 --> 00:38:18,560 Just because I hate your cooking. 442 00:38:20,540 --> 00:38:22,400 Oh, please don't get it. 443 00:38:26,380 --> 00:38:27,600 I shot your grandma. 444 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:34,820 It don't mean I don't love you. It don't mean that I don't love you. When I 445 00:38:34,820 --> 00:38:36,240 punch you on the nose. 446 00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:40,740 Never buy you any clothes. 447 00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:45,360 How can we remain together with so many hips and butts? 448 00:38:47,340 --> 00:38:50,540 It don't mean that I don't love you. 449 00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:54,260 But my wife, she hates your guts. 450 00:39:07,660 --> 00:39:10,120 on behalf of me and my old pal and buddy Fat Belly here. 451 00:39:10,580 --> 00:39:14,520 Please, I am. We're back and we are indeed back over in England. Isn't that 452 00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:17,380 right, Fat Belly? Sure enough, Jim. Yeah, sure enough. Yeah, it was a great 453 00:39:17,380 --> 00:39:20,200 privilege to come over here, you know, mingle with you lovely people again. I 454 00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:21,740 sure do love to mingle. Yeah, 455 00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:26,580 you sure do, Jim. Yeah, maybe that's what's wrong with the world today is 456 00:39:26,580 --> 00:39:30,580 just don't mingle enough. Well, I bet there's people in this audience tonight 457 00:39:30,580 --> 00:39:31,800 that ain't mongled for years. 458 00:39:36,140 --> 00:39:37,500 We came here to sing a few songs. 459 00:39:37,720 --> 00:39:38,720 Yep, make it worse. 460 00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:42,880 Let's get back to where you were going with this little song we do. What's it 461 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:46,000 called? Well, I'm changing my glasses for a minute. 462 00:39:46,420 --> 00:39:50,260 I got myself a gorgeous girl, she's just out of town. 463 00:39:50,580 --> 00:39:54,180 She's always supposed to be evil whenever I'm around. 464 00:39:55,260 --> 00:39:59,120 We never ever quarrel and she sees my point of view. 465 00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:01,280 She just agrees with everything. 466 00:40:02,110 --> 00:40:03,110 That's not strictly true. 467 00:40:03,330 --> 00:40:08,370 She agrees we're like the bees and the birds up in the trees. She agrees it 468 00:40:08,370 --> 00:40:10,070 looks wonderful and right. 469 00:40:10,850 --> 00:40:17,830 She agrees in every way with everything I say. But she won't agree to do what I 470 00:40:17,830 --> 00:40:19,190 asked her to last night. 471 00:40:22,190 --> 00:40:26,090 She's such a healthy sort of girl. She plays all kinds of sports. 472 00:40:26,310 --> 00:40:29,990 She's a wonderful all -rounder when she's wearing tennis shorts. 473 00:40:33,130 --> 00:40:39,690 And when she plays a game, she gives it everything she's got. She plays 474 00:40:39,690 --> 00:40:44,370 baseball, she plays pool, she plays hockey for the school. She can ski and 475 00:40:44,370 --> 00:40:45,710 and fence and fly high. 476 00:40:46,750 --> 00:40:50,770 Throw a dart or bounce a ball, she'll play any game at all. 477 00:40:51,030 --> 00:40:56,090 But she wouldn't play the game that I asked her to last time. She agrees to 478 00:40:56,090 --> 00:40:58,810 laugh sincere and she thinks that I'm a dear. 479 00:40:59,050 --> 00:41:01,790 But she won't agree to do what I asked her to do. 480 00:41:02,530 --> 00:41:08,050 She agrees that I've got class and she thinks that I'm a gas, but she won't 481 00:41:08,050 --> 00:41:13,710 agree to do what I asked her to last night. No, she won't agree to do what I 482 00:41:13,710 --> 00:41:16,570 asked her to last night. 483 00:41:30,910 --> 00:41:33,930 I met her down in Arkansas and never saw the gal before, but she seemed a real 484 00:41:33,930 --> 00:41:34,930 good pal. 485 00:41:35,010 --> 00:41:38,310 She grew up with some cattle and her sister from Seattle, so she used to do 486 00:41:38,310 --> 00:41:39,009 as well. 487 00:41:39,010 --> 00:41:42,910 She was a big fat, what do you think of that, uptime downtown pal. 488 00:41:43,230 --> 00:41:47,250 She was a huge star, really on the ball, great people on every day. 489 00:41:48,010 --> 00:41:51,490 Traveled with the rodeo, working in the strip show, no two shows a day. 490 00:41:52,270 --> 00:41:55,470 Count show a cat and bear, she would drop her underwear, everybody enjoyed 491 00:41:55,550 --> 00:42:00,150 you could tell. She was a huge star, no place at all, uptime downtown pal. 492 00:42:30,620 --> 00:42:31,800 She was a large... 493 00:43:05,770 --> 00:43:09,310 Well, that's all for this week, except for two items of late news. 494 00:43:09,510 --> 00:43:16,090 Mr. Arthur Perkins, the man who this week won £500 ,000 on the pools, has 495 00:43:16,090 --> 00:43:18,690 announced that he will never work another day in his life. 496 00:43:19,210 --> 00:43:20,770 He's staying on with British Rail. 497 00:43:24,150 --> 00:43:27,970 And a Watford man has made a serious complaint against Sunnyview Naturist 498 00:43:27,970 --> 00:43:31,790 Paradise. He said that after being in the nudist camp... For at least three 499 00:43:31,790 --> 00:43:35,350 months, he had a letter from the secretary that began, Dear Sir or Madam. 500 00:43:37,990 --> 00:43:41,010 But that's all we've time for, so it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight 501 00:43:41,010 --> 00:43:42,010 from him. Goodnight.